the beauty in our pain

Trevor was having a particularly rough morning. He'd logged two seizures already and was hyper focusing on how to get money to buy new Wii games. It was making him miserable and I had him lay down on the couch until he was ready to move on to lessons. He usually helps me with laundry as part of his daily routine, but he was in no position to be helpful this morning. Toby was needing a mental break from his studies and offered to sit with his brother while I ran to the basement to finish the load I was working on. 

When I came back upstairs I found Tobin holding Trevor in his arms telling him how much he loves him. It wasn't just words. Evident from his tone of voice and his body language was the passion flowing form him. As if he were trying to make sure Trevor never forgets his words. As if he were trying to sink those words down into his brother's marrow.

It was incredibly, movingly sweet. 

This has been a year of soul growth for Tobin. The borders of his heart have expanded with compassion and of all of us, he's the first to say, "I love you" in times of stress. Often, to my shame, it is not well received. The heaviness of daily seizures and balancing life in general does a number on my mood more often than I care to admit. It pierced my heart when I heard him repeating those words, I love you, to his brother with such passion and raw emotion. I was convicted of all the times I've rebuffed his I love yous in times of my own angst. Maybe this is his gift? Expressing love when pain is the deepest. 

I asked the boys if I could snap a picture. I wanted to capture this moment. To validate in my core that the sacrifice I've made with my life in choosing to stay home with my children is meaningful. I've been battling doubts of late in that mental space. More importantly, though, I needed to freeze this moment in time to remind myself that there is beautiful happening in the midst of the brokenness. Sometimes it feels that the darkness in this valley our family is treading is ready to swallow my Hope whole. We cling to our Faith. We run to our Refuge. We are committed to believing that God is Sovereign over every blessing, good and bad. But this valley is so very dark and my heart is weak. I am thankful that this morning He opened my eyes to glimpse the beauty in our pain.