But somehow having Jonathan by my side has always made it easier.
Not having him by my side was horrible!
But no worries...I've complained enough about it to feel better. A smidge. I'm running an experiment to see just how much my complaining earns me. It was pizza for dinner last night!
The hook-up (that's when the technicians paste the leads all over his head) is always a tuffy to endure. I can't even imagine how scary it must feel. To have strangers yanking and tugging and rubbing and pasting circles with long wires to your head. Connected to a contraption that'll be shoved in a backpack and lugged around by you. All while being held down by your protector...mommy! Trevy has never been an easy distraction. The louder we'd sing his favorite songs...the more ear piercing the screams. This EEG was slightly different though.
No...he didn't sing Twinkle Twinkle with me...
Crocodile tears streaming (it's usually just angry tearless crying) Trevy was not just reaching for me...
He was calling my name!
Mama! Mama! Mama!
In the past he clearly communicated that he wanted me to rescue him. But he never ever not even once...
called my name!
Made my shattered heart soar...
The drama always dials down once he's all hooked up. And being mommy snuggled. Settled in our room.
He learned quickly that if he stood in the window. Licking it, mind you. Pick your battles...right. Anyway...if he stood there looking cute. Slobber making rivers to the floor. The white coats or holiday scrubs would come play peek-a-boo...
The toys, two wonderful therapist visits and peek-a-boos worked for about 34 hours.
Until he finally fell into an exhausted sleep.
He was looking peaceful and angelic all snuggled up in my arms. When Dr. Neuro came to discuss the EEG findings. And where we go from here.
His EEG was not spike free. But...she said. I know Trevor's EEG...and it looks GREAT!
The concern we shared was that the spikes are originating not from the right sided blip...but from the central region. More specifically...the little left sided island of brain we chose to leave inside. For the sake of his motor/sensory skills. Weird as it may sound...I'd feel a little relief it they were emanating from the right side. Beyond my control side. Not the area that I begged the doctors to leave in! I'm trying really hard not to think about having to GroundHog Day the last two months. That between the MST and increasing his Dilantin those spikes will be held at bay. And the Monster who hides inside them.
We both agreed that we just need to ride through the next handful of years. The most important years of brain development. And that the side effects of Dilantin are less risky...than the seizures they suppress. Especially given many of the most dangerous side effects are only incurred after long-term use.
By the way...I learned that Trileptal and Dilantin work against each other. Which is why he really shouldn't stay on both long term. I didn't understand all the doctor-speak. But at least now it makes a little more sense.
Dr. Neuro and I have a very tight bond. Very tight. Been with us since the beginning tight. Cried together tight. And we spent a good hour discussing this and that about Trevor and Life in general.
When she was finally paged away I felt so encouraged. And at Peace. And proud that I'd made it through the whose sha-bang almost entirely by myself!
I have no idea how Trevor's Life is going to Flow from here. Neither does she. In fact...she told me that she could not promise an IS relapse was impossible. But she could that we would do everything we can to prevent it. And to support Trevy fully.
My heart needed that (stupid) EEG. And time with Dr. Neuro. To help digest that Trevy's future is as uncertain as it has ever been. (For those that piously think...just like everybody's. Let's be honest. There is a very real difference between my mommy worries over Toby & Bristel...and Trevor) I know that. But I also know that we are Exactly Where we are Supposed to be. With the right people surrounding our family...
and our son.
Wow...this post took a turn for the mushy.
Exhaustion brings out my mushy. So today I'm feeling very mushy. And Peaceful. And more grounded in knowing that Trevy's future was never mine to begin with...
it will Flow exactly as it has already been written...
I'm just lucky enough to be along for the ride.