Tuesday, April 29, 2008

gloomy days...

It's gloomy outside today. Doesn't it just make it feel like the walls are closing in!? Ugh... I totally prefer sunny days.

There has been SO much swirling around in my heart. It's been difficult to find the right words.

Let's see...

We officially resigned this month. I've been so consumed with rescuing Trevor...that I wasn't prepared for how much it would hurt. Wow, it does though. My heart feels raw. Sad. Scared. But secure that we're doing the right thing. It's just that for the past eight years we've been pouring our hearts into building our lives in Africa. Every dream I had of our future always included Tanzania. It's hard to wrap my heart around. I told Jonathan...I just wish we had known. I would have hugged my Tanzanian friends longer. I would have lingered on the beach longer...wiggling my toes in the Indian waves. I would have worked harder at etching the memories deeper, ya know.

Jonathan's started putting out resumes. We've heard back from a few churches...but the process is slow. And scary. I'm scared of leaving the security of having my mom close. I'm worried that Trevor's diagnosis will scare off potential employment...so many church budgets are tight enough to not have extra pennies for insurance. I'm scared if they do that we'll never find a neuro like our current one. Of not having enough money for me to stay home with Trevor. I hate that I'm scared! My faith helps keep me from coming completely undone. But it's still heavy for us right now.

Sheesh...and the tying up loose ends thing?! CRAZY! We shipped our life's collection (which isn't much, really) to bush country...and the getting it back here somehow is much more complicated! Is it insane that I want my bed back? My couch? The dishes we bought on our honeymoon? Toby's crib...that was Bristel's...and supposed to be Trevors? Even Toby's been saying he misses the oddest things. Like his Christmas gift Grams & PopPop gave him right before we left for TZ - a Thomas table. I thought for sure he'd be totally over Thomas by now. I never knew I was such a nester. But even though it's just stuff...it's an anchor too. Ya know?

Trevor's been bouncing around from appointment to appointment. He's doing so good! There is SO much to celebrate! Sometimes, when he looks at me with that gorgeous pair, I can't help being sappy. I'm SO proud of how far he's come. Of his tenacious spirit. His smile. His curiosity! He's doing SO good. And I wish it didn't effect me...but it does. For months now, every time he has an eval he's been assessed at 9 months. It's like he's stuck at 9 months.

I know. I know. Every baby develops differently. I get it. Honest. He's my 3rd.

But my heart refuses to be made of stone. And sometimes...it makes me sad. Despite the reasons to celebrate.

And all these emotions swirling around remind me so much of that first year in Tanzania. The adjusting. The morphing into a new life. The tears...cause even though I was right where I knew I was supposed to be...I still missed what I left behind. The joy of the little things that make life sweet. It's like the same process...in reverse.

Swirl. Swirl. Swirl.

I know. I think too much. Feel too much. Share too much. All the ingredients of a good activist. *smile*

I've been *pondering all these things in my heart* for a while now.

And I don't know. Maybe I'm just ready to share them out loud today? Maybe it's cause gloomy days are good for gut spilling & coffee? Maybe it'll help another swirling mommy?

I don't know...but it's out there anyway now...

6 comments:

~Mama Skates~ said...

of course it's good to share! never feel that u think/feel/share too much! that's what fuels the soul - without all that thinking/feeling/sharing, where would we be?! my favorite quote - author unknown...
"passion makes you crazy! but is there any other way to live?!"

i know we don't really know each other & we've just recently met via blog land, but i seriously look up to you! the sacrifices u've made, the long hard fight that go thru - regardless of how tired/stressed u must feel, the love u show for ur family, the determination in which u seize each day, the faith & love you show for our Lord! a true inspiration!

major kudos danielle! i hope u have a brighter day tomorrow - thinking of u today! ;0)

Shanna Grimes said...

I second that, mama skates.

As I was reading your post this evening, I was thinking you are such a great writer. You have the ability to capture people with words and they feel and empathize and really get involved in what you are saying (as if reading a novel). Have you ever considered writing a book? I know they don't always generate money at first, but you never know! Look at JK Rowling!! These days the aspects of publishing have changed. Anyone can have a voice via ebooks. If you have a strong following it is easy to take that to a publisher who can plug you in to paperback.

Think about it!

labonte4 said...

Danielle,

I just love these past few posts. You know me....I'm all about the real. I feel your heart....I've been there many times. Each day living with any kind of epilepsy is a step out in faith. Hoping, believing, and making your way through the trenches on those bad days that break your heart......all with a smile.

I really feel that after the dust settles a bit with the new job and move, you'll come to realize that your exactly where your supposed to be........

I'm excited for your family.....sounds like something really fantastic is around the corner, even if it doesn't quite seem that way right now (the joel is coming out....time to stop typing) *LOL*

Rebecca

JSmith5780 said...

Danielle- we started to talk about this last week and I just got buried. Since the show is over, I can come out from hiding a little.

First the job- you and Jonathan are to commended for what service you have given, but at the same time for realizing that right now you need to focus on your family first. You can't give back what you don't have available to give. That will change one day. As for what to give and what to do... You will find the right fit for your family and for Trev's needs. I believe it. Just do as you were doing and research the services in the area you *may* end up in. Many states do have good programs for children. Early Intervention in NY is great about giving services and it is NOT income based. Ok so that doesn't help with a neurologist. I also know that IS is an automatic qualifier for Medicaid. Not that our Medicaid is fabulous, but again, some health coverage is better than none. And because of the nature of IS, the kids qualify under a waiver program that negates any financial holdings (earnings) of the parent and looks only at any financial holdings (investments, etc) of the child. We have Medicaid for both Austin and Connor. Our only restriction is they have no more than $2000 in savings or bonds... certainly NOT an issue for us! I am SURE other states have similar programs. I will point out that some programs are SLOW to get you enrolled. I will say to be sure to use the Epilepsy Foundation to help move things along. Almost all areas have a local Foundation that can assist you! USE THEM!!!!

Second your stuff- I can't help with your "stuff" stuck in Tanzania... I wish I could. I will hope though that is comes sooner rather than later. I can not even FATHOM a day without Thomas in our house. Connor would go crazy, which means I would go crazy and I just don't have time for a mental breakdown!

Third on to Trevor- I know you feel you are making no developmental progress. Give him time. Remember it took MONTHS for Austin to start moving forward developmentally. Here we are 4 years later and we are STILL battling! Just don't give up and keep working with him at home. For receptive speech, TALK to him constantly. Give him running commentary on everything you do. You WILL get sick of hearing your own voice, I promise you, but the more you talk to Trev, the more he will begin to understand. To work on expressive language, work with PECS cards. I think I told you about them awhile ago. If you need ANY proof that PECS works, go to Crazy for Cody's site. There is NO better proof than Cody! Buy developmental toys, give him blocks, simple stuff with bright colors to keep his brain challenged!

Ok, I am going to stop, my short comment is becoming a novel... just like my biosketch! Remember there are MANY other parents who have been there, done that. Have you been to the IS Grads Yahoo group? It's mostly the same people but there are some others who can shed light on the years after IS.

HUGS,
Jen

baby trevor's mommy said...

Thanks you guys. For everything! Support! Friendship! Shoulder to lean on! Honestly...you've been my life-line these past few months! And I truly love you guys...

There is SO much more I want to say...but alas...Trevy's cranky & Bristel's needy. I guess I should start playing mommy again!

xoxoxo...danielle

blondie said...

Danielle,
I completely agree with Shanna....you should write a book. You have a natural gift for written communication. Actually, now that I think about it so does your brother...just in a different way. Anyway, maybe after things calm down a bit for you guys you can think about starting a writing project. Will you autograph my copy?
Jenn