Thursday, April 17, 2008

I needed that

Grams has been a huge support since Trevor's diagnosis. She's picked up Toby's schooling (in preparation of re-adjusting to Tanzania we'd chosen to go the home-school route through the transition). But after Trevor's dx...everything just fell to pieces. And I needed time to digest & regroup. Mom stepped up! She's been available to keep the big kids whenever Trev has appointments...which are many and always in Providence! It's specialist or bust when you have an IS kid.

(btw Mom...I hope I tell you enough how much your support has meant to me...to all of us! There are SO many things that only hind-sight will help us make sense of. The timing in how everything worked out & being here with you & dad is not one of those things!)

Grams also keeps the kids so Jonathan & I have a chance to go out alone once in awhile! Re-connection. Romance!

The trouble is...we've been SO stressed out that many times we end up fighting before the engine's cranked. We both hate it. And eventually resolve things...but it's been weighing on me that this is the pattern we've established.

I try to stick to happy with my blog-sharing. But the fact is...Infantile Spasms is huge. And heavy. And sad. And overwhelming. And life course altering. And there are so many layers of emotions to work through. It's very easy to spew the stress on those you love. I've learned that I'm good at spewing. Geyser good!

So yesterday we had our regular pre-date fight. I spent most of the morning fuming & thankful for the doctors appointment that had me out of the house. On the drive home I had mentally mapped out just exactly how & where & what I was going to spew at him. I was ready. But not for that. Jonathan met me with what I think my heart has been craving for months. He wrapped me up in a hug filled with love & forgiveness & apologies & so many emotions that are unexpressable. I needed to be held like that. So did he. The stress melting off was almost tangible. I know it sounds corny & sappy but I think it's worth sharing.

And for the first time, probably since Trevor got sick, it really felt like a date should! I don't think the Texas2fer ever tasted better!

Listen...I don't think your whole life can change and it not impact you. Life squeezes all the guts out sometimes.

But if I have my faith, my best friend by my side...and my kids snuggled up...it makes it just a little bit easier.








5 comments:

Shanna Grimes said...

Awe...had no idea you were having a rough time. Don't be afraid to spill it, you can always shoot an email if you don't want to blog it. We all have those rough times, but I'm glad that you had a good time. Married couples need that special time together.

Take care and let me know if you ever need to talk.
-Shanna

labonte4 said...

Danielle....

Matt & I did that so much in the beginning we were literally in one big fight for the first year. Now.....we laugh at eachother when caught "ragging without a reason".

Yes, there are still times when we start in on eachother just because one of us is stressed, but after 11 yrs. we don't take it personally anymore, and we call eachother out immediately....then give the "offender" some alone time to get their head on striaght.

BTW....your blog is starting to sound like mine.....I love this post because it just lets everyone know what the "behind the scenes" is really like. Its so hard trying to balance everything, and keep your marriage in check.

Beleive me...ANY couple who is dealing with all the emotional & physical needs of a SN child goes thru MANY rough spots....& if they say they didn't.......their lying! *LOL*

Rebecca

JSmith5780 said...

Yup... with Shanna and Rebecca. How can all this stress NOT lead to fighting??

Glad you got the hug and the date was smooth sailing. Jeff and I have a night to ourselves tonight... hope it goes as well!!
Jen

baby trevor's mommy said...

It's just been a crazy time for us. J sent out his resignation this month..and we're starting to hear back from churches that have been sponsoring us. It's sad. We just never in a million years could have imagined our path would have a bend like this in it. For as long as I can remember I've pictured myself in Africa.
Plus, Trev had his well-viz this week. It feels like for the past three months we've heard the same thing..."I'd put him at a 9 month developement" I told J it's like he's stuck at 9 mos.
It's just really felt heavy lately.
And especially when it seems like J & I aren't connecting...you know?
Anyway...gotta run. Trevy's up!

...danielle

~Mama Skates~ said...

amen to that!