Not without tears. Mostly mine. I held up fine until it was over. But no sooner did J withdraw the needle than my emotions leapt up & ambushed me...and I bawled my bloody eyes out...scooped Trevy up & squeezed tight. It's quite possible my hug hurt more than the jab?!
Trevy had no tears...just plenty of mad. Boy was he mad! The wrath of a 17 month old!
He got over it WAY before me though!
I'm tempted to not say this out loud. And yet somehow I need to. I need to in case there's another mommy struggling with the same thing. Or maybe it's purely selfish and I just need to for me? Because confession always makes me feel better in the soul. At any rate...after a cluster of 40 back-to-back spasms (that we saw) in the hospital...I stopped counting. I just couldn't bring myself sit & stare & tally. Tally how many times his little developing brain was being shocked. And wondering what that was doing...or damaging? I have a weak stomache.
But the second guessing hit me hard this morning. I NEEDED to see a cluster. It's not that I haven't been seeing them. I have. But I needed reassurance that it wasn't in my crazy head one more time. To be certain we were doing the right thing. To un-tie the knot in my gut.
And so I stared. Hard. I'm fairly certain Trevy was making fun of me. When he noticed me staring...he came in real close...and then zoomed his little face in until we were eyeball to eyeball. I laughed out loud.
It wasn't long before I had the confirmation I needed.
My heart got the reassurance it craved. And I know we're doing the right thing...
It's just that sometimes...doing the right thing...is also the hardest thing...
And sometimes...I hate doing the hardest thing...