Okay...so I know I was going to be all mum n' stuff. And I might yet. But I got wonderful news this morning...freeing my fingers.
Let me back pedal a bit first though.
See...I know exactly when this pissy depressed black cloud sank around my heart and filled me up with reclusive sadness.
It was during a phone call with Dr. Rockstar's nurse a week or so ago. That very conversation filled my heart with dread so heavy that I sank to the couch breathlessly. Suddenly breathing was not as easy.
See...I discovered during that phone call that Medicaid can be brutal to work with at times. And she wanted to prepare me that 20% of the time things do not move in the right direction. I know 20% should seem insignificant. But the day Trevor was diagnosed with a rare & catastrophic epilepsy gave me a new perspective on smaller odds scenarios. Although some of my worry-wart comes honest. And so that 20% has been hovering relentlessly over me for the past two weeks. Stealing every thought but it's own from my head. And heart. Focusing has been impossible. Sleeping elusive. Eating...even chocolate...comfortless.
I have been freakin' stressed about this.
Especially when she told me point blank that it was unrealistic to think if we were denied I could just fund-raise the dough. Sudden clarity came on as to why every other person in the office I'd asked about the potential of setting up payment plans had completely blown off my question. Those 'fraidy cats. Poor Nurse Ruth had to give that one to me. And she had the guts to say it live. And not via email. I respect that. Even if I think it's crap that parents have to hear...to digest...such things.
But we do. And she did. In a very gentle way. That still knocked the breath outta me.
Breath that I've been holding until today. Because even though I kept telling myself NOT to worry. That what is meant to be will be... Even though my Bible flips open from habit to Psalm 139. My heart has a mind of her own at times. And breathing has been troublesome.
But today came the good news! Nurse Ruth emailed to let me know that she's received authorization codes for Trevy's MRI...PET scan...AND the surgery!
The only thing pending is Dr. Neuro-surgeon's fee. Which if it should come to the out-of-pocket point is not unreasonable!
And so I'm here sucking wind like my life depends on it...
...able to breath again. To let optimism creep past anxiety again.
And reading Bennett's update today was an extra puff on the hope pipe!