Fair warning. This post is long and rambling. And very very sappy. (hint hint to the guys)
Have you ever felt it building up?
You're doing something innocent like scouring the house. Cause that's what you do to relax. And there you are. Sweatin' to the moppies. Innocent enough. Until you suddenly realize that your silly heart has been stirring. And stewing. And squeezing. Your insides. Right up your throat. Until it's hard to breath. And your eyeballs feel like they're about to burst. And you're really not even sure what just happened. But obviously something heavy has been hunkered down. Waiting until you were so preoccupied that you wouldn't notice. And suddenly there it is. Whatever it may be. And it's bulging. And pulsing. And needing to explode.
There are two places that my soul thoughts will sneak up on me.
And when I'm zoned in on cleaning.
That's exactly what is happening to me today. Suddenly I just feel like I need a good cry. A good old fashioned sob fest.
I've been trying to self analyze what the heck is going on. Because it's honestly taken me by surprise. I mean...we're actually in a good Trevy place right now. Trevy looks A.MAZE.ING! I know because I was flipping through photos from a couple months ago. Wow. I didn't realize how ravaged he was. Those dark circles under his eyes. He looked haunted. Not to step on toes...but in those pictures he kinda reminds me of a Holocaust survivor. They both faced Monsters. Just different kinds. And what a bag of bones he'd become. Wow. But he's looking wonderful now! In fact...if I didn't make such a big deal about it...you'd never know what he's survived these past six months. These past 3 years. I honestly couldn't be more thrilled with his progress. Except when I let myself look. At his on target peers. I try not to. I try to focus on him. And the miracle he is.
And really it's not jealousy that strikes me anyway. In fact...I can't remember ever feeling jealous about another IS kid. I've always thought that's probably because I have two typical children. But maybe it's just my personality? Who knows...who cares. But I do know it's not jealousy. It's more sad. Mingled with awe at his perpetual happy. And heartbreak. And hope. And a sense of unfair. And a sense of acceptance. And faith. And surrender. And what if. And fear of what will be. Or won't. And...well...there's really just no way I could possibly verbalize all the emotions that swirl me up. I think it's quite possible I (we...meaning those of us who have been deeply touched by something painful) feel things that psychologists have yet to even name for us.
But the bottom line is...Trevy is doing good. More than good. AMAZING! And I don't think my melancholy is really about him. Kumbe! Surprise!
Without a doubt this post from the other day zapped my sappy spot. It's a doozie if you ask me. But a much needed cleansing conversation. I think we all have relationships in our lives that need a good detox. Coming clean. I know I sure do. Just not sure I have the courage to ever really go there. Certainly don't have the energy. Or maybe it's just that I'm not ready to forgive? To let go of past pains. Maybe I'm not ready to hear their side of the story. That conversation definitely stirred up some hurt that I'd repressed. Sadness that I carry over relationships that were already fragile before Trevy. Broken completely since. I'm sure I can blame a shed tear or two today on that one.
And then there's the Toby factor. I'm SO not ready for him to grow up. Do you know I used to be the light of his world. When he was itty bitty he only found comfort in his blankie...and me. We were snuggle buddies. I've always found a sense of worth in our connection. Like I'm doing something right. But lately it's like he woke up one day completely different. He's rolling his eyes. And huffing. And saying he hates me under his breath. And...and...and...he's just. It's just. I just. I don't think I'm his world anymore.
And it hurts like crazy.
And it makes me want to go buy him whatever he wants. Take him where ever he wants. Spend every second smothering him with love so that he never ever in a million gazillion years doubts that he makes my world complete!
Don't feel obligated to tell me it's growing up pangs. I know that. It's just...
I was totally unprepared for how this mommy moment would feel. Right now I'm thinking...maybe it won't be such a bad thing if Trevy stays my snuggle buddy forever after all.
My heart is a mess today.
Better suck it up though. I've got too much to do today to sit here and dwell til' the sun sets. Over the ocean. Which makes for a very beautiful drive to the ball park. Where my growing up boy still looks like my snuggle buddy. Even if he's in a uniform.
Repressing is SO much easier!
You know what?
Forget about everything I have to do. I'm gonna grab the i-pod. Hop in the car. Crank the tunes. Drive by that coast line which is still beautiful even without the sun setting. And have a good old fashioned girly sob fest while I do.
Detoxing is good for the soul.