Thursday, April 29, 2010

detoxing is good for the soul

Fair warning. This post is long and rambling. And very very sappy. (hint hint to the guys)



Have you ever felt it building up?



You're doing something innocent like scouring the house. Cause that's what you do to relax. And there you are. Sweatin' to the moppies. Innocent enough. Until you suddenly realize that your silly heart has been stirring. And stewing. And squeezing. Your insides. Right up your throat. Until it's hard to breath. And your eyeballs feel like they're about to burst. And you're really not even sure what just happened. But obviously something heavy has been hunkered down. Waiting until you were so preoccupied that you wouldn't notice. And suddenly there it is. Whatever it may be. And it's bulging. And pulsing. And needing to explode.



There are two places that my soul thoughts will sneak up on me.



The shower.



And when I'm zoned in on cleaning.



That's exactly what is happening to me today. Suddenly I just feel like I need a good cry. A good old fashioned sob fest.



I've been trying to self analyze what the heck is going on. Because it's honestly taken me by surprise. I mean...we're actually in a good Trevy place right now. Trevy looks A.MAZE.ING! I know because I was flipping through photos from a couple months ago. Wow. I didn't realize how ravaged he was. Those dark circles under his eyes. He looked haunted. Not to step on toes...but in those pictures he kinda reminds me of a Holocaust survivor. They both faced Monsters. Just different kinds. And what a bag of bones he'd become. Wow. But he's looking wonderful now! In fact...if I didn't make such a big deal about it...you'd never know what he's survived these past six months. These past 3 years. I honestly couldn't be more thrilled with his progress. Except when I let myself look. At his on target peers. I try not to. I try to focus on him. And the miracle he is.



And really it's not jealousy that strikes me anyway. In fact...I can't remember ever feeling jealous about another IS kid. I've always thought that's probably because I have two typical children. But maybe it's just my personality? Who knows...who cares. But I do know it's not jealousy. It's more sad. Mingled with awe at his perpetual happy. And heartbreak. And hope. And a sense of unfair. And a sense of acceptance. And faith. And surrender. And what if. And fear of what will be. Or won't. And...well...there's really just no way I could possibly verbalize all the emotions that swirl me up. I think it's quite possible I (we...meaning those of us who have been deeply touched by something painful) feel things that psychologists have yet to even name for us.



But the bottom line is...Trevy is doing good. More than good. AMAZING! And I don't think my melancholy is really about him. Kumbe! Surprise!



::smile::



Without a doubt this post from the other day zapped my sappy spot. It's a doozie if you ask me. But a much needed cleansing conversation. I think we all have relationships in our lives that need a good detox. Coming clean. I know I sure do. Just not sure I have the courage to ever really go there. Certainly don't have the energy. Or maybe it's just that I'm not ready to forgive? To let go of past pains. Maybe I'm not ready to hear their side of the story. That conversation definitely stirred up some hurt that I'd repressed. Sadness that I carry over relationships that were already fragile before Trevy. Broken completely since. I'm sure I can blame a shed tear or two today on that one.



And then there's the Toby factor. I'm SO not ready for him to grow up. Do you know I used to be the light of his world. When he was itty bitty he only found comfort in his blankie...and me. We were snuggle buddies. I've always found a sense of worth in our connection. Like I'm doing something right. But lately it's like he woke up one day completely different. He's rolling his eyes. And huffing. And saying he hates me under his breath. And...and...and...he's just. It's just. I just. I don't think I'm his world anymore.



And it hurts like crazy.



And it makes me want to go buy him whatever he wants. Take him where ever he wants. Spend every second smothering him with love so that he never ever in a million gazillion years doubts that he makes my world complete!



Don't feel obligated to tell me it's growing up pangs. I know that. It's just...



I was totally unprepared for how this mommy moment would feel. Right now I'm thinking...maybe it won't be such a bad thing if Trevy stays my snuggle buddy forever after all.



Oh whatever.



My heart is a mess today.



Better suck it up though. I've got too much to do today to sit here and dwell til' the sun sets. Over the ocean. Which makes for a very beautiful drive to the ball park. Where my growing up boy still looks like my snuggle buddy. Even if he's in a uniform.



Ugh.




Repressing is SO much easier!



::sigh::



You know what?



Forget about everything I have to do. I'm gonna grab the i-pod. Hop in the car. Crank the tunes. Drive by that coast line which is still beautiful even without the sun setting. And have a good old fashioned girly sob fest while I do.



Detoxing is good for the soul.

6 comments:

Adesta said...

You're right, detoxing is good for the soul.

I've found that I need to make time for one myself.

Marissa turned 8 this past Monday and I'm trying to figure out where all that time went and how she went from being my precious little over-dramatic sweet girl to my girl who thinks and acts like a teenager and demands that I leave her alone. *which, btw, I never do :) maybe that's why she demands it more and more lately, but it's just so fun to bug her*

Maybe I just miss "our time" together. We don't get much of that anymore with her having two younger sisters...

If only I had a coast to drive along and sob on.....

Lisa said...

Oh, I can so relate...and I dread the day when my kids start to express their independence like Toby is doing. No matter how normal that is, so heartbreaking for a mom.

Very interesting post you linked to. I was surprised how that whole conversation played out. I read her friend's email as being very open, honest, and caring. I think too many times people try to put a happy face on everything and ignore the emotional aspects of what a parent of a SN child may be going through...and it sounded like her friend wanted to convey that she wasn't glossing over anything. I don't know. It really makes you see that perspective is a unique thing, and people take things different ways. I for one am always the first to bring up how much things can suck so obviously I'm coming from a much crankier place. :)

blogzilly said...

I don't think these feelings are limited to those with functioning breasts, but they apply to those of us who have non-functioning ones as well. Would it have been simpler to say 'girls' and 'guys'? Yeah...but not nearly as clever and funny.

The other day I was talking about the fact that Bennett doesn't have the relationship with me that I had with Carter at his age. Carter would sit in my lap, always hug me, want me to pick him up and cuddle with him and his favorite thing to do was to lay on my back and watch TV.

Bennett doesn't do any of those things because of his brain and that's just how it is. But I realized that Carter and I, because of his advancing age and because of the last year and all its emotional ravages, have grown so...distant from one another.

In fact, when you mentioned the rolling eyes, the huffing and all that, I instantly thought of Carter, because he does that a lot. His sweet nature has changed into something snarky. I feel its my fault, I am having major guilt over it, and yet psychologically I have very little strength to fix it.

Anyway...I get where you're coming from. You drive down the coast, I blow stuff to kingdom come on my X-Box.

Helen said...

I wanted to leave you a thought. My children are 15, 11, and 8. I have shared your feelings in letting go of the baby days (and I still at times miss those days) but what brings me focus is to remember our purpose. Our children are not ours but belong to the Lord. We are blessed with them to bring us joy and purpose but it is our responsibility to see them grow into Christian men and women. When you put your strength and effort into that mission you will enjoy the fruits of your labor when you begin to see your child become independent and begin to make their own choices and decisions. When they make good ones, especially the hard ones, the joy is equivalent to seeing those first steps, that first tooth. You learn to live in the present and have memories of the past but not long for the past. You begin to see that your children are a true blessing to our lives as we teach them and they teach us. So the first day of middle school, the first school dance, the first school sports team, the first day of high school,... all become just as precious. So let yourself enjoy the growing up and you will begin to realize life is just as sweet but without the 2 a.m. wake up calls.
I love reading about your wonderful family and about Trevor and his progress. I thought your video of the cereal showed tons of progress and focus from him.

Sophie's Story by Elaine said...

((((HUGS)))) And if I lived closer, I would be over with a pitcher of margaritas in a moments notice :)

Colby said...

Danielle...

I have to give myself "pity parties" at least weekly...They can be over anything...Colby...Shawn being 28 (yikes)...Losing my precious Daddy.....

I am a firm believe that parents of kids like ours simply "feel" differently than others...It's just a fact...We're "special" too...

As for the rolling eyes, etc...Colby is my perpetual baby, so I know I will never have to go through that with him....Now Shawn? That was another story! I promise...Been there, done that....

Our children can "grow away"...but they don't really every "go away"...They always find their way back....I PROMISE!!!

So just go through your "times"...I'd worry about you if you didn't!!! You are SO normal!!

Cyndi
XOXOXO