healing in pieces (until the fog lifts)

I feel like I've been sleep walking for so long now that I hardly remember what it feels like to be truly alive. To feel Life tingle from my head to my toes.

I was mentally trying to pin down when it started. The numbness. Trevy's relapse? During the surgical consult process? During the surgery? Or does it go back further. To the day our world fell to pieces around our feet? The day every.single.thing changed. The day Jonathan and I lost not just our (healthy) son. But our dream of living the missionary life in Africa. Of sporting tans to envy. And hearts brimming with Passion because we were doing something tangibly wonderful and heroic to enrich the world. Fulfilling our Call. Or what we thought was our Call. Some days we still miss Tanzania so much that our bones hurt. Our hearts ache. And we speak to each other in broken Swahili because it somehow keeps their faces more vivid in our memories. The day everything changed? Is that when the numb disconnectedness originated?

I'm not really sure.

All I know for sure...is I've felt disconnected for awhile now. Not to get too eeby jeeby...but sometimes it almost feels like I'm one part here. Another part floating above watching as life keeps unfolding. I feel emotions. But only in pieces. Like a part of me is numb. Scar tissue on the heart?

I feel fuzzy emotionally...spiritually...mentally...

Everything just seems to be slightly unfocused. A little bit off. Fuzzy.

I cheer for Toby at his games. But deep inside I can feel it. A piece of me is unplugged. And so I try cheering louder. Like I might force myself to feel more deeply.

I laugh at Bristel and her unwitting comedy. But it's never really that bubbling care free belly kind of laugh. The happy is always choked back by something.

My heart rejoices over each miracle Trevy lives. We have our miracle moments. Certainly. But my mind knows too much. I've researched too much. Found too many answers. And Hope is eclipsed by Uncertainty. Or is it Acceptance? Maybe Uncertainty is Acceptance's sister?

Somehow the stormy uncertainty brewing in my soul is one thing I feel wholly.

I look at my husband and feel Love. Deeply. Springing from a Well down reaching ever further into the core of me. As we continue to cling to each other through the guts of life. Often blinded by the guts of life so that we see nothing ahead. All is dark. Chilling. Unknown. And we can either let our fingers slip apart or entwine them tighter. Until our knuckles are white with strain. Until it hurts. And keep choosing to hang on for dear life. Cleaving is a choice. I can feel the glue between our hearts. Yet the exhaustion. Oh God...the exhaustion. Sometimes...most times...oh who am I kidding? All the time I am just too exhausted to kiss him passionately. Like I used too. The way I can feel his heart yearns. My kisses are always tired now. And I wonder if he can taste the sadness that trickles up from the same well as my love. Why do love and heartbreak run together? Why when I kiss my husband can my heart swirl with Love and Sadness in the same moment? It seems they should not mingle.

Is it the sadness that causes the numb?

Is it self preservation? Like my subconscious is choosing to protect my heart from the Future that we're walking into. Does my heart already know what his Future is. And is Sadness the bitter cousin of Acceptance? Or is Sadness just the part of me that's groaning for the Day of true Healing? When we will escape this Broken Cursed World. The day that will only be found on The Other Side. The True Healing Side. Where Babu is waiting to wrap him up in a Perfectly Whole Perfectly Healed embrace?

We don't yet see things clearly.
We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist.
But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright!
We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!
But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation:
Trust steadily in God,
hope unswervingly, love extravagantly.
And the best of the three is love.

I Corinthians 13:12-13

And is this Brokenness gushing down my cheeks but a piece of the journey to The Healing Side?

When the Fog will be Lifted.


MJStump said...

wow..such raw,and deep emotions there.

even though our little ones have led different paths in all of this. none the less, the emotions are there and i think they always will be. maybe in time...lots and lots of time, things will be as we would like them when it comes to how we feel.

i totally get what you mean by the fog and feeling so numb. not sure what led to it, or if we will ever fully be able to return to the sunny days. i often feel like a body that is just "here." i have moments when i can be happy with kylie's new accomplishments, but lots of feelings of blah and just being in a daze of sorts.

yeah, i totally don't feel whole and it's like i'm not living, i'm more or less just going through the motions. i don't feel like i am always consciously thinking about what is in kylie's future...but on some level, it's always there just clouding over everything.

wishing all of your pieces begin to heal quicker and fit together on the first try.

sending love, hugs, and prayers,

A mother said...

Wow, that's about all I can say. There are so many cliche things that could be said to try to make you feel better, but I think you know all of those. You know all of the scriptures and all of the platitudes. All I can say is cling to God for dear life and in God's time and in His own way the fog will lift. I've been following Trevy for a while and I will continue to pray for him and for you.

happy's mommy said...

I just hate feeling fuzzy. I miss being able to remember what happened yesterday. Or to laugh til' I cried. Not the other way around!

Although can you believe I didn't cry at all the whole time we were in Detroit for the surgery? Isn't that just bizarre?

I don't know.

I should confess, though, that I am PMSing. Sooooo...

Thanks, girls. Your kind heart felt words, thoughts and prayers are special to me.


blogzilly said...

You have described, in an eloquence that the harshness of my writing style always fails to, what I have been thinking about these last few weeks.

The only emotions I seem to be able to feel are bad. And even those are fuzzy. Who better than your own wife to look you right in the eye and say 'You are more Dead than Alive these days.'

I feel like I have to say that saying 'I know how you feel' is a dis-service to our connection, to ALL of our connections between parents watching their kids endure the worst possible things.

But yeah...I get it. Totally.

JSmith5780 said...

The sun will start seeping in slowly. It may only be for a minute or two, here or there, but eventually it starts showing up more and more. Then one day you realize, it's the fog that's peeping in here or there and the sun is the prevalent feature.

You are 6 months out. You can't expect it to chagne overnight. It's hard, but give it time.

Holli said...

Wow, Jen, I like that. I logged in and didn't know what to say, but knew I wanted to say...something.

We've been through a lot of the same things before, but we're on different ends now. I couldn't begin to know how you must be trying to sort this out emotionally. I would like to hope Jen is right.

Love you sweetie!

happy's mommy said...

Ken...I have a friend who says you're the guy me...and visa versa. :)

Jen & Holly...or you could always say what my mom said after reading this post...and I quote...

"I'm never reading your stupid blog again! It's too depressing!"

She makes me laugh...


Sophie's Story by Elaine said...

I wanted to respond to this when I first read it but I couldn't. Because it scared me. I always wondered if the fog would be lifted...I just didn't realize you felt the same way. And it scares me. Because I always thought you were so much more present. You write from the heart. I can feel your emotions through your writing. And to read that you wonder if the fog will ever be lifted in this life...well...that breaks my heart. But, on the other hand, it makes me feel more normal.

You making me feel more normal...is that normal ;)

happy's mommy said...

Aw. Sorry, Elaine. Looks like we're both normal. In our own kinda way. :)