Maya Angelou once said...
If I have a monument in this world, it is my son
A beautiful summary of the way I feel about each of my children. I take my role as their mommy very seriously. It's the filter through which I make choices for each of them. Be it to home school or not. To deny myself that Pumpkin Spice coffee from Dunkin I'm craving so that they can play basketball...or gymnastics...or attend music class. To spill my mommy guts on this blog. And other places. To choose a pediatrician 30 miles and a humonguous bridge thata way...because she's the best for them. To hold Bristel's hands each morning while waiting for the bus and pray over her day. That it will be filled with joy and growth and safety. And then stand wrapped in so many layers I feel like a puffer fish on stilts...and yet I'm still freezing. But I stand there waiting. Hoping. She'll turn and wave "I love you" with a peace sign tagging the end. For "too". Many days she doesn't. She's too excited to chat with her friends. But I love her enough to wait. For her dimples and sparkling eyes. Every day. It's why I force myself to stop everything and listen to Toby read me his Christmas list. A journal project. $1000 long. The way I internalize my role as Trevy's mommy explains why every day I'm researching and reading and rethinking my choices for him. How to take him to the next developmental level. My love for them is the driving force behind the hours I've poured into parenting books...blogs...forums...teaching Sunday School...and spending time on my knees. Trying to study...guide and understand them. Each. As the unique little person they are. With their own unique little needs. And Life Purposes. My love for them is also in part why I'm perpetually exhausted!
Being a mommy is hard work!
For those who've ever studied birth order and how it has a tendency to shape our personalities...I am a first-born. Ironically, so is Jonathan. Shortly after we covenanted to spend our lives together we read a book emphasizing how it was positively a mistake for us to have married! We'll be celebrating 11 years this month. But that wasn't really my point. My point being...that I tend to be overly critical. Of myself and others. Expecting perfection. No excuses. It's a first-born thing. There has been much internal soul struggle these past few months. Am I doing enough for Trevor? Is Bristel suffocating under the middle child syndrome? Am I giving Toby the education he deserves? Should I launch a blog for Bristel and Tobes so they don't feel left out? Is this wrong? Or that? Maybe I should just scrap it all.
Self doubt and second guessing have always been my Achilles Heel.
Because of this I treasure affirmation. I'm feeling the need to inject here that this post totally took on a mind of it's own! I started with the intention of a quickie randomning type post. Oh well. When my fingers fly faster than my thoughts echo in my head...I can only shrug and guess I needed to release it.
Anyway...each of my children contributed to my Affirmation Bank this week.
Bristel's Deposit in Mommy's Love Bank
I volunteered in her class this week. Which is a sacrifice of love. Just because I'm a stay-at-homer does not mean my life is void of constant action! I was feeling the weight of all the things I coulda-shoulda on my way into her class. I may have even been a little bit annoyed. Because...well...I may take my job seriously but it doesn't mean I'm always giggles and gumdrops about it! Sometimes I try the Mommy Martyr Crown on for size. ::wink:: But seeing her face positively LIGHT UP with love and pride.
Wow. Melt me why donchya!
Trevy's Deposit in Mommy's Love Bank
Was an email from Miss. Preschool.
"I spoke with Trevor about the letter "T" after he signed in with Miss. ABA. He had already put his name away. He proceeded to go back and take it out of the bin on his own will. Trevor brought his sign in sheet over to me. He was excited to point to the "T" and say "T". It is so exciting to see him learning so much. We also looked at "Starfall" website on the big screen, since it was too cold for outdoors. He spontaneously said, "A" when he saw it on the screen."
What're you trying to do to me, Trevy? Stop being SO amazing already! But first...come ere' so mommy can squish you to pieces!
Toby's Deposit in Mommy's Love Bank
Incidentally, is also an email. Ordinarily I would be fighting the urge to edit prior to print. Because The Good Lord knows...my boy'll need to marry a girl who knows her grammar . But...in the spirit of transparency and overcoming my first-born perfectionistic ways. I'm copy & pasting as received:
"Yea I think the online game idea is cool. By the way are you really that mad that I'm beating you at stackem states.I was hopeing that you could bring me to basketball practice tomorrow.And on Sunday we can relax and watch the terps vs boston collage.Oh ya I'm very exited to get my award it's almost Christmas you know I thought mabey on Christmas we could go out to eat.Any way I just wanted to tell you that it is a really cool Idea with the games."
Now, if you'll excuse me...I've gotta nine year old to go squeeze!
Followed shortly by a three and five year old...who'll be tumbling through the front door any minute now!