somebody's turning FOUR...

Tomorrow is Trevy's official birthday.  

We're celebrating today though.  I actually found the umph from somewhere to throw up a couple balloons and a banner.  I went with a Cars theme.   


It's lookin' like a real party up in here!  

His birthdays are always bitter-sweet.  A reminder of where he's been...where he should be...where he could be...all rolled in one.  

For weeks I've felt the cloud edging around me.  A fog of sadness swirling around my heart while I try desperately to blow it away with happy thoughts.  It wasn't working.  And I found myself in a positively foul mood last night.  I'd put off shopping til' the last minute.  I'm sure there's a psychology to be unlocked in the procrastination.  But I have neither the time nor the energy to dissect it.  So suffice it to say...as much as I try to dwell on the positives (and we have many to celebrate) it still gets to me when I try to find appropriate toys for him.  I found myself looking wistfully at the big-wheels and trikes.  We gave him one last year.  It's dirt covered and sun faded in the backyard.  Where it has spent the majority of this past year.  All but forgotten.  Unused.  Because try as I might I just can't seem to help him understand how to make it go.  Things that came so easy for the other two remain a mystery for him.  Locked behind developmental and physical delay.  And the pain of it will sneak up and squeeze my heart at unexpected moments.  When...for a fraction of a second...I let my guard down and pause to wistfully stare at tricycle boxes with smiling little boys riding off into sunsets splashed on the sides of them.  I turned my back to ebb the weepies and headed for aisles more age appropriate for Trevor.  Younger aisles.  Baby aisles.  Rejecting all because I couldn't justify paying the price for the attention span return.  Also because of those dang tricycles.  I finally settled on the new Elmo Wii game.  Only to have Jonathan voice my own heart thoughts.  I'm not sure he'll be able to play it, hon? 

I went to bed sad.  And woke up not much better.  

But I've been trying.  Really trying.  To remind myself of all the beauty that Trevy is (and he is beautiful). To beat this pity party back.  I've been furiously blowing at those dark clouds hoping to scatter them away.  Leaving only room for joy today.  

Birthdays should be about joy.  About celebrating.  And there is SO much to celebrate.  

For instance...

Trevy may not understand how to work a tricycle yet...


he is making pee pee on the potty.  Mostly.  Depending on the day...

But still.  That's something to celebrate.

When I make myself focus and think about it - there really is so much about him to celebrate.  His sense of humor.  He has the best laugh.  Ever.  His innocent joy over simple things.  The way he likes to cuddle me up.  Watching his face light up when he sees his favorite character.  Which is all of them!  And how he sings "Baa Baa Black Sheep" at the top of his lungs.  In a language all his own but a tune the whole world knows by heart.  His passion for alphabet things.  And yogurt.  All of the things I mourn are vital ingredients that make him...him.

I keep reminding myself - it's not all sad.

It's just a weird place to be.  I haven't even figured out a way to really digest it.  Life with Trevy.  It's like a living oxymoron.  Sad yet Celebrate-able at the same time.

Oh well.  Maybe someday I'll figure out a way to wrap it up.  But for today.  I'm going to keep pushing and puffing at those sad clouds to make room for Joy.

Cause in about an hour...the most amazing little (almost) four year old boy I've ever known is going to come bounding through the front door.  Grams, PopPop and Dih-Dough (Bristel) in tow...


Jacob's Mommy said...

I wonder if we will always mourn the boys we never truly had while at the same time never trading who they are for what might have been. Always and never. Impossible to reconcile the two...

Andi S said...

Emma turns 4 the end of May. And in the past 5 weeks, I've had about 4 people ask me how old she is. And while I am truthful of her actual age, I try to figure out if I'm imagining the confusion in their eyes as they walk away smiling, not saying anything else.

And I am waiting for the inner turmoil as I watch this new little one that is coming surpass all that Emma can do in just a few short months.

We love them the way they are, but I agree....we will always mourn who they could have been.

Housewife said...

Big hugs to you.
That would be so hard...and trying...and tiring to your heart and soul.
As a mom, you will always want more for your child. For all your children. That's part of your job. Part of your heart.
I think mom's need to be celebrated on their kiddos birthdays too...after all...mommas are the reasons these little beings exist....SOOOOO....maybe to warm your heart a little more, you and your hubby could go on a date? Celebrate each other.

Sophie's Story by Elaine said...

I feel your pain. You know I do.

Happy, Happy Birthday to the most adorable just turned 4 year old...Trevy. I hope he has a wonderful day!!!

blogzilly said...

Well, I made a promise to myself that if I started commenting in someone's blog again and it went to a paragraph 7 that I would officially stop and re-think what I was doing.

Clearly I have something to write about, so I will do that in a more appropriate setting and do so dedicated to you.

The 1040 EZ version? I love ya, hear ya, I feel your pain and remember you have always been the Queen of Balance. You'll will find a way to manage both sides of it.

happy's mommy said...

As I was writing this post yesterday...all this "bleh" came out. I was totally not intending to be all guts and blah. And I was this close to deleting it and just carrying on with my day.

I'm glad I clicked post instead of delete.

Oh...and Ken...how did I earn that title?! Queen of Balance...bleh. I am NOT!


Josh said...

we struggle with find toys for our son as well, he multi-focal epilepsy that is VERY difficult to control. We just got back from his wish trip to disney, feel free to hop over and say hi.

Colby said...

I am hoping you and your family are having a GREAT day celebrating Mr. Trevy's fourth...

I could SO identify with your post...Birthdays ARE bittersweet...I have been buying the "same" toys for Colby since he was probably two years old...

But Trevy will have a ball...Give him a big hug and kiss from me and Colby!!!

Can't wait to see pics!

Happy Birthday Trevy!!!

Debbie said...

Without you even attempting to explain how you feel about birthdays, I totally get it...every emotion that comes with each year.
There are no words to describe the potpourri of emotions!

What an amazing little 4 year old you have!

God bless you Trevy and the amazing year ahead!

Love Deb and Hudson

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday, Sweet Trevy!

(I'll be back with more for Mommy later.)


Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday to Trevy :)

And I get you, somehow Christmas isn't as bad as you aren't having to think about age-appropriateness, but birthdays are a bugger.
H mostly got money for his bank account for his 3rd as he's still happy with all the more baby-ish toys he's already got. That way I don't feel bad buying him the odd thing throughout the year that might help him/hold his attention.

Did want to point out that my 'NT' 4 year old only just made it out of nappies before his 4th birthday so Trevy's achievements in that area are truly something to be celebrated!!
(H is nowhere near btw.)

I often found myself saying to people, 'well he's 3 but...' then some sort of explanation depending how much energy I have that day.

Thoughts with you, kt xx

Jackson's Blog said...

I know how you feel! Jackson turns 4 in a couple of weeks too, and it's a hard number for me.

I hope Trevor has a happy 4th birthday!

Dora's Daddy said...

Happy Birthday Trevy!
God Bless you!

Rebecca said...

Couldn't have said it better myself about life with Ava. :)