Tomorrow is Trevy's official birthday.
We're celebrating today though. I actually found the umph from somewhere to throw up a couple balloons and a banner. I went with a Cars theme.
It's lookin' like a real party up in here!
His birthdays are always bitter-sweet. A reminder of where he's been...where he should be...where he could be...all rolled in one.
For weeks I've felt the cloud edging around me. A fog of sadness swirling around my heart while I try desperately to blow it away with happy thoughts. It wasn't working. And I found myself in a positively foul mood last night. I'd put off shopping til' the last minute. I'm sure there's a psychology to be unlocked in the procrastination. But I have neither the time nor the energy to dissect it. So suffice it to say...as much as I try to dwell on the positives (and we have many to celebrate) it still gets to me when I try to find appropriate toys for him. I found myself looking wistfully at the big-wheels and trikes. We gave him one last year. It's dirt covered and sun faded in the backyard. Where it has spent the majority of this past year. All but forgotten. Unused. Because try as I might I just can't seem to help him understand how to make it go. Things that came so easy for the other two remain a mystery for him. Locked behind developmental and physical delay. And the pain of it will sneak up and squeeze my heart at unexpected moments. When...for a fraction of a second...I let my guard down and pause to wistfully stare at tricycle boxes with smiling little boys riding off into sunsets splashed on the sides of them. I turned my back to ebb the weepies and headed for aisles more age appropriate for Trevor. Younger aisles. Baby aisles. Rejecting all because I couldn't justify paying the price for the attention span return. Also because of those dang tricycles. I finally settled on the new Elmo Wii game. Only to have Jonathan voice my own heart thoughts. I'm not sure he'll be able to play it, hon?
I went to bed sad. And woke up not much better.
But I've been trying. Really trying. To remind myself of all the beauty that Trevy is (and he is beautiful). To beat this pity party back. I've been furiously blowing at those dark clouds hoping to scatter them away. Leaving only room for joy today.
Birthdays should be about joy. About celebrating. And there is SO much to celebrate.
Trevy may not understand how to work a tricycle yet...
he is making pee pee on the potty. Mostly. Depending on the day...
But still. That's something to celebrate.
When I make myself focus and think about it - there really is so much about him to celebrate. His sense of humor. He has the best laugh. Ever. His innocent joy over simple things. The way he likes to cuddle me up. Watching his face light up when he sees his favorite character. Which is all of them! And how he sings "Baa Baa Black Sheep" at the top of his lungs. In a language all his own but a tune the whole world knows by heart. His passion for alphabet things. And yogurt. All of the things I mourn are vital ingredients that make him...him.
I keep reminding myself - it's not all sad.
It's just a weird place to be. I haven't even figured out a way to really digest it. Life with Trevy. It's like a living oxymoron. Sad yet Celebrate-able at the same time.
Oh well. Maybe someday I'll figure out a way to wrap it up. But for today. I'm going to keep pushing and puffing at those sad clouds to make room for Joy.
Cause in about an hour...the most amazing little (almost) four year old boy I've ever known is going to come bounding through the front door. Grams, PopPop and Dih-Dough (Bristel) in tow...