he has so much to teach me

By 10 am yesterday morning Trevor had so many seizures that I stopped tracking them for my own mental health.

He has been a little more whiny and anxious than normal, but his neurologist just increased his Trileptal and he's extremely sensitive to changes of any kind. Also, he's averaging 5 seizures a day right now. Crankiness is a common side effect of seizures.

He had no fever. He made no complaints. He's been eating and sleeping as normal. Just slightly more whiny and anxious. Increased seizures can be a symptom, but they are also often unexplained. So, we blame the moon, fatigue, changes in routine. Every mom of a child like Trevor knows what it's like to analyze every minutia of their lives in hopes of helping them and caring for them. 

In retrospect, I'm kicking myself for not reading the clues.

In an effort to increase his level of independence, I let him brush his teeth by himself in the mornings. Each night I lay him over my legs and give him a good thorough brushing. When I brushed his teeth last night he winced and said "the circle hurts" and that's how I discovered he has an abscessed tooth. He hadn't complained of pain the night before, so I'm hopeful this just cropped up quickly. 

My heart has already been feeling defeated by his epilepsy lately. Now this too. I went to the basement to be alone as a I wept. I thought about how he's probably been in pain all day and never said a word. Didn't even think to tell us he had a painful "circle" in his mouth until I brushed it too hard and it really hurt. That speaks to how he must live in chronic pain so much that a little thing like an abscessed tooth is of little consequence to him. I wept because for all his words, he still can't fully communicate. 

After my tears were spent I went up to where he was sleeping in "the big bed". He's been sleeping with us since his relapse. We can't bear the thought of him seizing alone. I found him sprawled in the perfect position for snuggling against without waking him. I wrapped my arms around him and tears flowed anew. I rubbed his hair, kissed his face, and prayed over him...and over all of us. Thankful to feel his back rising and falling, peaceful even while in pain. 

He has so much to teach me.