honest answers to honest questions

Trevor noticed my wet cheeks as I was scrolling through my FB memories this morning. Amongst others there were reminders that 8 years ago today he was in for phase one of his radical brain surgery. I'm not sure how I found the energy to post so frequently though I do remember it being a life-line while we were waiting. Though we were alone, just Jonathan and myself in the waiting room, I knew friends and family were with us in spirit and virtually. Reading those posts was hitting my heart particularly hard this year. Probably because we're dealing with an epilepsy relapse. Trevor noticed and asked why I was crying.

I believe in honest answers to honest questions and so I told him that I was thinking about his brain surgery when he was a baby.

He asked why his surgery made me sad.

I tried to explain that I wasn't all sad, really, but I was remembering how nervous I was during his surgery.

Of course he then wanted to know why I was so nervous.

We've talked about his brain surgery often over the years. He's felt his scar. Sometimes I think he understands. Other times he'll ask questions that reveal his perpetual innocence. Such was this morning.

I hesitated, weighing my words...


...because you could have died. 

Oh, he said, How could I died? 

His eyes were curious sauces as he processed my words.

Well, your whole body is important, but some parts of your body are really, really important. Like your heart. Your heart is very important to your body. Can you think of something else that might be really important to your body... 

He looked up from his iPad.

My soul.

My heart squeezed. He is always so much deeper than I am. I can't help but wonder if perhaps not understanding every element of this world allows the heart to have a richer of Life as a whole.

Yes, Buddy, your soul is especially important! Mommy should have thought of that first, in fact! 

I paused.

But also your brain is important for your body. And you know that you had surgery on your brain? 

He nodded.

So, that is why your dad and I were nervous. And sometimes, when I think about it again, it makes me cry because I was so very nervous and you are such a gift. 

He nodded again and just before turning back to his iPad he said...

It's good I didn't die. 

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