I am SO glad yesterday is behind us.
It didn't start out badly. Yesterday.
Actually...we were off to a good start. With fun things in the forecast.
Jonathan had an early morning Bible Study. The rest of us normally tag along too...but I wanted to make sure Trevy was well rested for the cook-out fun later.
So I stayed home. Which allowed Trevy to nap. I woke him a wee bit early...so we could shoot down to Grams' house. Where Toby (and Bristel) had spent the night. Squeezing every drop outta their cousins-in-town-time. But Toby had baseball practice. And since his team made THE CHAMPIONSHIP game...skipping was not an option. Jonathan caught up with us...which I love. Cause it just feels right to be there together. As a family. And we always get a chance to talk while we watch.
After practice we jetted right over to Grams'. Where the big family reunion cookout was going to happen.
Trevy was zonked from playing at the field. He still takes two naps a day. And Grams had already made a pack n' play napping zone in her bedroom. So down he went. And in short order was snoozing. So Grams & I did a quick market run.
Maybe it was the fact that Trevy didn't nap for long? Maybe it was the heat? Or the excitement from the crowd? Or the splashing in the pool?
I don't really know what happened. All I know...is from the time I got home from the market and found him awake on Aunt J's lap. Until the time that Jonathan left early to get him home. Where it didn't end until he was asleep. In his own bed.
It was non-stop seizures. Cluster. After cluster. After cluster.
We were lucky to get a 10 minute stretch seizure free.
And it was just so hard.
Hard to breath. I think I involuntarily hold my breath during clusters.
Hard to talk. I don't do convos during seizures. I know it may seem manageable on the outside. But no matter how subtle the seizures are...and they weren't all subtle...during clusters I just can't talk. So if I seemed like I wasn't paying attention to the friendly attempts at conversation. I wasn't. When Trevy is seizing my brain can think of nothing else. He's lost in seizure land. And my heart is chasing hard after him...trying to rescue him. Or at least comfort him. Little else matters.
Hard to watch. To watch my baby want SO desperately to play. To splash. And run. And laugh. Like a normal kid. And to let him...knowing that the exertion was going to induce another cluster. And slay everything normal that he has. To watch everybody keep moving. Living. Reading. Playing. Chatting. While my world crashed to a stop for 20 body jerks. Every 10 minutes or so. And my heart died a little with each one. It's a wonder how it still keeps beating.
Hard to smile. Because the intensity of the heart break is that powerful. And smiles are stolen. Or forced.
Hard to stay. Because even though Jonathan left. Taking Trevy with him. It didn't mean I forgot. Out of sight out of mind is a misnomer. All I could think about was getting home and holding my baby boy.
Yesterday was a hard hard day.
And I am so glad it's over.