if August had never come

The phone started ringing just as I finished buckling the kids in the car. Toby's Championship Game was our destination. I hate when that happens. And I usually ignore the call. Until we're where ever we were heading and I can think again. But I knew by the exchange who it was. Dr. Neuro.



I had to take the call. Bristel was complaining in the backseat. All she could think about was getting to the ball field. Or the snack shop to be more specific. She digs the push up pops. Trevy was fine. Car rides are one of his faves.




But I kept the car in park. Cause I know myself. I couldn't focus with clarity...and drive. And we really can't afford a car accident right now. Ya know...




Anyway...




We had a looooooong (much needed) conversation. We covered lots of ground. And shared openly so much information. Making sure that we're all on the same Rescue Trevy page. I love our Dr. Neuro. She doesn't treat me like a parent. She engages with me like a friend. And with respect that I actually have a clue. Although...there are times when I just want to play the idiot. And let her take the reigns of Trevy's care. Because it just feels too heavy. Too responsibility saturated. And it would just be easier to have never learned anything about anything. But that's not who I am. And she knows it.




Of course the conversation flowed in all directions leading to Detroit. This week will be huge as she's preparing to speak with Dr. Decision from our insurance company. I left a message with our case manager to garner his contact info and the best times for her speak with him. I should hear back tomorrow.




At one point...towards the end of our chat. And after complaining Bristel had fallen asleep in her car seat. Dr. Neuro said something that melted my heart. And made it seep from the corners of my eyes.





"I just wish August had never come"





The weight of that single sentence hung in the air. August. When Trevy's IS relapsed. I've had that very thought many times over myself. I just didn't know she had too. Neither of us said anything for a moment. Me...cause I couldn't. My words were choked. Her...maybe for the same reason? But I heard her breath in deeply. Sadly. And then add...





"But it did. And now we have to move forward"





So forward we go. Because we can't rewind time. And live in July 08 forever. It's July 09 now. And now we have seizures. And insurance battles. And baseball games. With push up pops to buy.





And we just have to keep moving forward. Cause Life keeps rolling.






I don't think forward would be so bad if we only knew where it was going to lead. Ya know...






::sigh::






But we don't.







::sigh::








Oh...and I got to game before it began too! Jonathan & Toby (who wants his blog nick to be Captain Slugger) were already at the field. Being a big game and all.








And when Toby was up to bat I heard the second sentence that melted my heart that day...









"I'm gonna try to hit a home run for you, Mom!"









He big boy smiled at me. And jiggled the too big helmet. Just like he does every time. It's a cute little habit. That reminds me that he's not as big as he seems sometimes. Cause the helmet doesn't fit yet.








I smiled back. And wiped my heart from my eyes for the second time that night.