It would be a lie if I said I wasn't half hoping that something. Anything. Would happen to stop this from moving forward. I had already promised myself if something happened...that was it. No do overs. And I think in the deepest core of my heart I was hoping something would.
It would be a lie if I said I was okay. I am not. The threat of breakfast coming up right here right now...is very real. The screamer headache is also tell tale that I am not okay. Not right now. Not today. This is the single hardest day of my life to date. I don't anticipate the next month being any easier.
It would be a lie if I said I haven't been blaming myself. For so many various things. Not excluding that it took me a solid six months to work up the courage just to email Dr. Rockstar. To work up the courage to pursue surgery. How could I be such a coward? And let my little boy seize hundreds of times a day for a year? And watch the monster swallow him up little by little. Until we sit in a room with Dr. Neuro-Surgeon. Who looks me in the eye and says if we don't get control of these seizures now then Trevor will continue to slip developmentally downward. If I had just swallowed my fear this day would be long behind us.
It would be a lie if I said that I don't half hate everybody else in this waiting room right now. In fact, that dude snoring on the bench over there is first up on my bash over the head with my laptop list.
It would be a lie if I said my heart isn't ripping in half that I have had to let go of all three of my children. That I'm sitting here alone. Because Jonathan had to go check out of the hotel. Trevy is in surgery. And Toby and Bristel had to stay behind. But as much as I want them here. For very selfish...very unhealthy...reasons. It is not healthy for me to lean on them for comfort. The reality is...I am relieved that they are far far away from this place. Safe with Grams. Especially after we saw another little family come back in after saying goodbye to the little sister. And the big brother was a sobbing mess. Which reminded me of Toby. He's so sensitive soul. It's for the best. I just miss them so incredibly much.
It would be a lie if I said I am not scared to death to see him again. Like that. People keep asking if they can do anything. If we need anything. I keep responding...only a time machine.
::sigh::
Oh well. There is no turning back now. It is only forward from here. I'm not trying to be all depressing. I'm not so sure this unlimited internet access is really a good thing. But then I've heard journaling is therapeutic.
::smile::
And so I spill my guts in cyber space. Because it's just a really really really heavy day. And I have to do something with all that swirling inside.
It would be a lie if I said I was okay. I am not. The threat of breakfast coming up right here right now...is very real. The screamer headache is also tell tale that I am not okay. Not right now. Not today. This is the single hardest day of my life to date. I don't anticipate the next month being any easier.
It would be a lie if I said I haven't been blaming myself. For so many various things. Not excluding that it took me a solid six months to work up the courage just to email Dr. Rockstar. To work up the courage to pursue surgery. How could I be such a coward? And let my little boy seize hundreds of times a day for a year? And watch the monster swallow him up little by little. Until we sit in a room with Dr. Neuro-Surgeon. Who looks me in the eye and says if we don't get control of these seizures now then Trevor will continue to slip developmentally downward. If I had just swallowed my fear this day would be long behind us.
It would be a lie if I said that I don't half hate everybody else in this waiting room right now. In fact, that dude snoring on the bench over there is first up on my bash over the head with my laptop list.
It would be a lie if I said my heart isn't ripping in half that I have had to let go of all three of my children. That I'm sitting here alone. Because Jonathan had to go check out of the hotel. Trevy is in surgery. And Toby and Bristel had to stay behind. But as much as I want them here. For very selfish...very unhealthy...reasons. It is not healthy for me to lean on them for comfort. The reality is...I am relieved that they are far far away from this place. Safe with Grams. Especially after we saw another little family come back in after saying goodbye to the little sister. And the big brother was a sobbing mess. Which reminded me of Toby. He's so sensitive soul. It's for the best. I just miss them so incredibly much.
It would be a lie if I said I am not scared to death to see him again. Like that. People keep asking if they can do anything. If we need anything. I keep responding...only a time machine.
::sigh::
Oh well. There is no turning back now. It is only forward from here. I'm not trying to be all depressing. I'm not so sure this unlimited internet access is really a good thing. But then I've heard journaling is therapeutic.
::smile::
And so I spill my guts in cyber space. Because it's just a really really really heavy day. And I have to do something with all that swirling inside.
Comments
Erin
I'm sorry I have no time machine, but I can pray and ask God to dump a million galloons of glue to hold your heart together and a giant to hold it up and not sink into your stomach.
Yeah, I think journaling is a good thing..just let it all go so its not building up and overflowing in your mind. Then we can all comment and tell you guys how much we love you and are praying for you all.
Remember your blog is titled "Trevors Hope" and we have so much hope for you guys and are always thinking of you.
Ginormous Hugs and A Flood of Prayers,
Jody
Your heart may be spilling over right now, but at least you have this outlet for it to spill on to. I can only imagine you sitting there fake-reading mags collecting emotions and not releasing them. Writing is something you do very well...could possibly be the best way for you to just "spill".
Love you guys...thinking of you...praying for you.
(((hugs)))
By the way, I have way too many surgical waiting room stories.
But every little distraction helps.
love and hugs
Hugs!
I have been following you guys for awhile. Found you via Connor's blog. My son and Connor go to school together. Just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you all, especially Trevor.
I hated so many people in the hospital too, people whose kids weren't going through anything nearly as serious as mine. I hear you on that.
Prayers and hugs going out to you...the surgery days are by far the worst.
So instead of bashing Mr Snores over the head, go out and get a squirt gun, soak his pants, then laugh to youself as he thinks he had an accident!
Massive hugs to all of you!
Ashley
All Star Mom
We are all praying. Share all that you want, we are checking in all the time to see and hear how things are going. We love you guys and we are praying.
Joel and Cynthia
This is the hardest day...the waiting, the unknown, the stress. Oh, and the others in the waiting room. The stories that are there...we had the parents who's son was having his spine fused...the poor boy was in so much pain. But mom brought Trevor an angel bear the next day:) She was an angel. Then at the end of the day we were the last ones in and a mom came in because her little girl had broken her arm. The mom was drunk...asked us if we knew of a store that was open that late...ugh.
Anyway, thinking and praying, thinking and praying.
Love,
Sheila
Here if you need me. And don't be afraid to reach out to Richard. I'm telling you...he belongs in a ministry, but he's also a damn good psychologist. :)
And this must be wonderfully therapeutic for you....Better than smacking someone silly!!!
You and your hubby are THE best parents who have made THE best decisions for YOUR son.....If this was supposed to have taken place before now, it would have....
This is Trevy's time.....
Love you guys!
Cyndi