look how cute mom was once...

I'd forgotten all about it.



The picture of Skinny Me hanging on the fridge. It was an image we used to "market" our mission work. Postcard sized. Full color. Random Tanzanian facts on the back. Cute little family of three...at the time...gracing the front. Jonathan looked tall and tan. I still had sexy hair skimming my skinny sexy neck. Toby's little Charlie Brown head was kissalicious. I don't know why we've kept it posted on the fridge for so long. That was a lifetime ago. Before Seizures. Now we're living the After Seizures life. I guess we left it up for nostalia's sake maybe?



I've been trying really hard to shed some of this chub that has slowly been expanding my hips. And thighs. And arms. And abs. And...well...I think it's safe to say that my chub has declared war and invaded every inch of me! I also think it's safe to say that I'm obviously a stress eater!



So I was passing by the fridge the other day when She caught my eye. Skinny Me. All carefree smiles. Sexy hair flapping in the wind. I'd hate her if she weren't so cute!



And I thought to myself...



I really need to tuck Skinny Me away somewhere deep in the catacombs of our basement. So the kids can open a box someday when I'm gone and think...



Look how cute mom was once...



Something else must have wisped that thought outta my mind before I could act on it. Because next thing I know...I have a girlfriend over for a playdate. Already a rare event...now maybe even more so! Because what should her little eyes spy? Skinny Smiley Carefree Sexy Haired Me.


Which inspired a whole slew of...



OMGs...




and...




Your hair was SO cute-s...



and...



It doesn't look anything like you-s!



I tried to chuckle it off with "yeah it's a three kids later thing"...



Now I love my girlfriend. And her intention was clearly not ugly. But it's a sore spot. Especially because I've been forcing myself to put in extra effort lately. I exercise at least three times a week. I try to watch my portions. Except when Stress stalks me late at night...and then I help myself to three scoops of Rocky Road instead of one. And Stress plays dirty too. I'll find myself suddenly irresistibly craving all kinds of funky things at all kinds of funky times. Always chub promoting foods though. Stress is not a fan of the celery stix!



So this is not a new line of thinking for me. I inwardly berate myself every time my jeans are a little more snug. Or see a picture of myself that someone snapped when I wasn't looking. Or notice my daughter mimicking every little thing I do. Like randomly munching Trevy's "good boy" M&Ms reserved for encouraging him to take his meds like "a good boy". Suddenly the magnitude of my responsibility to shape her self worth and health feel SO much bigger than my energy. I want her to be healthy inside and out. And it makes me sad. And tired. And SOOOOOO hungry!



I always swore I wouldn't let myself get fat. I never imagined this for me. But then I never imagined most of what my life is today...



Which is why I found Crazy for Cody Shawna's post soul refreshing. And core encouraging. Oh honey...if your heart is singing the blues along with mine...you SO need to go read her thoughts. I love the way she summarized her heart that day...

"Somehow I like to think that God sees my wrinkles, my flab, my grey hair as battle scars...evidence of the fight I've fought...evidence that I did not give in, I survived. I am surviving. And THAT, my friends, is an ACCOMPLISHMENT!"

Could it be possible to be chubby and yet still be seen as a Masterpiece of Surrender and Survival and Accomplishment?



Will Bristel see beyond my chub...to the heart and soul I've poured into shaping my family? And think her mommy is beautiful tight jeans and all?



Is it crazy and unfair to hope that when Jonathan holds me close...he feels the loving comfort of best friendship and desire for the woman I am today. And not longing for the girl he married - who swore she'd never let herself go?



Is it enough if I'm trying the best I know how...and my jeans are still tight?



::sigh::



Sometimes I convince myself that I've reached a point where my physical beauty is lower on the totem pole than my compassion. Or integrity. Or mommy-ness. That the importance of my role as mommy to Toby...Bristel...and Trevy...are worth the extra curves I've acquired along the way. But let's face it...most days I'm no Shawna!



Sometimes I'm vain and just wanna rock my jeans!



But I'm slowly convincing myself that rockin' my jeans has absolutely nothing to do with their size at all? I'm slowly beginning to believe that whatever's going on on the inside...is what's rocking the jeans.



I am not Skinny Me anymore.



It feels like a lifetime has passed since Skinny Me posed smiley and sexy holding her Charlie Brown baby and nestled next to her tall, handsome hubby. I am not the same girl. I'm changing. And I'm not talking about into the next size up either! I'm growing into my mommy calling. Into acceptance. Into grace...I hope.



Anyway...



Truth is...I really just wanted to post this super cute my girlfriends'll laugh with me video...all the rest of the sap is freebie!